A group of writers and aspiring writers in the genres of Romantic and Gothic fiction.
 
HomeCalendarFAQSearchMemberlistUsergroupsRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 I Am (A Poem)

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Cazz
Literati
Literati


Posts : 10
Literary Regard : 65
Join date : 2009-07-12
Age : 35
Location : The Abyss

PostSubject: I Am (A Poem)   Sun Jul 12, 2009 7:20 pm

I’m possessed, obsessed and repressed
I’m lost, unfocused and unclear
I’m full of hate, disdain and fear
My lust insatiable
My love unattainable
My body is bruised, my soul is used, my mind abused
My emotions scared, my attention barred
My will is strong
My ambition gone
I’m vulnerable and guarded
At times very cold hearted
I cry for your affection
I scream for your aggression
I can see and feel you
Desperately want to be with you
I beg of you "come"
I always turn and run
My confidence is great
My ability weak
I am shy mousy and meek
I’m a siren a vixen a minx and a slut
So why the hell do you care so much?
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Rob_Macabre
Grand Senior Literati
Grand Senior Literati


Posts : 70
Literary Regard : 336
Join date : 2009-07-09
Age : 29
Location : The Fifth Level of Hell

PostSubject: Re: I Am (A Poem)   Sun Jul 12, 2009 7:51 pm

Before I review this, I must beg your apology, it's my policy to be completely honest in literary matters.

There are several parts of this poem that are very good, bu there are other points that take away from it.

I'll give a few examples.

Cazz wrote:

I’m vulnerable and guarded
At times very cold hearted
I cry for your affection
I scream for your aggression
I can see and feel you
Desperately want to be with you

Coming off of the stronger rhymes of guarded/hearted and affection/aggression the use of 'you' twice takes away from the flow as well as the over all integrity of the poem, as it makes it seems as if it was placed there only for flow.

Cazz wrote:

I beg of you "come"
I always turn and run
My confidence is great
My ability weak
I am shy mousy and meek
I’m a siren a vixen a minx and a slut
So why the hell do you care so much?

The same is true here, the flow is broken in several places due to a change in rhyming, or lack of rhyming I should say. Some of the traits listed may also flow better with he addition of commas.

Still, the message is powerful and the passion is there. You quickly state your message and continue to deliver it well. All in all, perfectly acceptable poetry; but I believe that if you spent a bit more time with this work it could achieve great things.
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://literati.forumotion.net
Cazz
Literati
Literati


Posts : 10
Literary Regard : 65
Join date : 2009-07-12
Age : 35
Location : The Abyss

PostSubject: Re: I Am (A Poem)   Sun Jul 12, 2009 8:04 pm

Thank you Rob. Please do be honest, I value your opinion.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: I Am (A Poem)   

Back to top Go down
 
I Am (A Poem)
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Poem: White Flag
» Poem: As a Joint Heir with Thee
» Poem: No Elaborate Pretense
» "Dear Mee-Maw"---My Poem To My Dear Grandmother
» Dr Who Game: expand on the poem

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
The Literati :: The Asylum :: The Isolation Chamber-
Jump to: