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 My Alarm Clock

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Jesse



Posts : 2
Literary Regard : 5
Join date : 2009-07-16

PostSubject: My Alarm Clock   Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:20 am

My Alarm Clock
My alarm clock is a gorilla,
roaring loudly for me to awake
and start a new day.

His eyes are bright and stern
as he glares at me,
His roaring louder every second,
His eyes more menacing each minute
I don't wake up.

He is strong as a silver back,
dominant over my night's slumber.

But he is a gentle beast too
if you pat him on his silver back.

- Jesse K. Musa
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Rob_Macabre
Grand Senior Literati
Grand Senior Literati


Posts : 70
Literary Regard : 336
Join date : 2009-07-09
Age : 29
Location : The Fifth Level of Hell

PostSubject: Re: My Alarm Clock   Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:24 am

It's good for what it is. The flow is weak, but it's still there, a remarkable feat for a budding poet. the grammar is exceptional as well. It's evident to me that you have potential.
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Thirteen_Dreams
Grand Senior Literati
Grand Senior Literati


Posts : 37
Literary Regard : 250
Join date : 2009-07-13
Age : 29
Location : Brisbane, Australia

PostSubject: Re: My Alarm Clock   Thu Jul 16, 2009 1:23 pm

I don't mean to detract from your work at all, which is exceptional for your age group, but I do have a suggestion: the next time you decide to use metaphor as an overarching theme for your poetry, perhaps you'd best steer clear of phrases such as 'My alarm clock is a gorilla'. I was unable to keep myself from laughing like a loon.

That said, you've got a good idea. I'd just change the beast you use for your metaphor. A dragon, perhaps, or a lion - they both possess the same qualities you describe (moreso than a gorilla, as the case may be with lions. Gorillas are gentle creatures, and only attack if you really piss them off.
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Rob_Macabre
Grand Senior Literati
Grand Senior Literati


Posts : 70
Literary Regard : 336
Join date : 2009-07-09
Age : 29
Location : The Fifth Level of Hell

PostSubject: Re: My Alarm Clock   Fri Jul 17, 2009 2:57 am

Excellent review, yet again, Chris. As well as the one on my new short story. One hundred and fifty literary regard points are heading your direction.
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XxButterflyxX



Posts : 10
Literary Regard : 22
Join date : 2009-07-18
Age : 28
Location : Home, with my son.

PostSubject: My Alarm clock   Sat Jul 18, 2009 10:17 am

Mister Dreams, You aren't the only one laughing like a loon. This really made me smile, And, having a gorilla in my room Is one reason why I don't Have an alarm clock XD I wouldn't want to get up to something quite so scary. Even If all it took was a pat on his back to quiet him.
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