Jesse
Posts : 2 Literary Regard : 5 Join date : 2009-07-16
| Subject: My Alarm Clock Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:20 am | |
| My Alarm Clock My alarm clock is a gorilla, roaring loudly for me to awake and start a new day.
His eyes are bright and stern as he glares at me, His roaring louder every second, His eyes more menacing each minute I don't wake up.
He is strong as a silver back, dominant over my night's slumber.
But he is a gentle beast too if you pat him on his silver back. - Jesse K. Musa | |
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Rob_Macabre Grand Senior Literati
Posts : 70 Literary Regard : 336 Join date : 2009-07-09 Age : 36 Location : The Fifth Level of Hell
| Subject: Re: My Alarm Clock Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:24 am | |
| It's good for what it is. The flow is weak, but it's still there, a remarkable feat for a budding poet. the grammar is exceptional as well. It's evident to me that you have potential. | |
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Thirteen_Dreams Grand Senior Literati
Posts : 37 Literary Regard : 250 Join date : 2009-07-13 Age : 35 Location : Brisbane, Australia
| Subject: Re: My Alarm Clock Thu Jul 16, 2009 1:23 pm | |
| I don't mean to detract from your work at all, which is exceptional for your age group, but I do have a suggestion: the next time you decide to use metaphor as an overarching theme for your poetry, perhaps you'd best steer clear of phrases such as 'My alarm clock is a gorilla'. I was unable to keep myself from laughing like a loon.
That said, you've got a good idea. I'd just change the beast you use for your metaphor. A dragon, perhaps, or a lion - they both possess the same qualities you describe (moreso than a gorilla, as the case may be with lions. Gorillas are gentle creatures, and only attack if you really piss them off. | |
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Rob_Macabre Grand Senior Literati
Posts : 70 Literary Regard : 336 Join date : 2009-07-09 Age : 36 Location : The Fifth Level of Hell
| Subject: Re: My Alarm Clock Fri Jul 17, 2009 2:57 am | |
| Excellent review, yet again, Chris. As well as the one on my new short story. One hundred and fifty literary regard points are heading your direction. | |
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XxButterflyxX
Posts : 10 Literary Regard : 22 Join date : 2009-07-18 Age : 34 Location : Home, with my son.
| Subject: My Alarm clock Sat Jul 18, 2009 10:17 am | |
| Mister Dreams, You aren't the only one laughing like a loon. This really made me smile, And, having a gorilla in my room Is one reason why I don't Have an alarm clock XD I wouldn't want to get up to something quite so scary. Even If all it took was a pat on his back to quiet him. | |
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